


Who will fix me now?

by Deanu



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Dissociative Identity Disorder, Drug Addiction, Drug Dealing, Drug Use, Drug Withdrawal, Drugs, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Religious Fanaticism, Spoilers for 02x15: Revelations, Torture, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-14
Updated: 2018-07-14
Packaged: 2019-06-10 11:20:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15290427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deanu/pseuds/Deanu
Summary: Spencer suffers from withdrawals and has an overdose after injecting Dilaudid in his bathroom. While he´s having a flashback from the time in the shack, Morgan finds him and takes care of him.[Spoilers for 02x15: Revelations.]





	Who will fix me now?

**Author's Note:**

> It comes in waves, I close my eyes  
> Hold my breath and let it bury me  
> -Bring Me The Horizon

Spencer tensed and grabbed his blanket, panting weakly. He rolled back and forth, his arms wrapped tightly around his trembling body. Cold sweat ran down his back. He closed his eyes and tried to control his shallow breathing. Spencer groaned at the pain that rolled over him like a wave. He couldn't get a straight thought. All he could think about was that one thing.

_Dilaudid_.

The clear liquid that flows through his veins, calming his pulse and relaxing his muscles. Sending him into a state of pure satisfaction and silencing his thoughts. Or should I say flowed? His last shot was three days ago. Spencer rubbed over the small circular scars on the inside of his left elbow. He spent his last money on syringes and needles and didn't have enough money to buy new D.

_I need it_ _._

With a loud groan, he stood up and went to his closet. He leaned against it and squinted as everything around him started to spin and his vision turned black. Nausea hit him unprepared. He shook his head and grabbed his sweatpants and a black hoody and put it on. His body was still shaking. Spencer froze as he walked past the mirror. He took a step closer and stared at his reflection. His fingertips and lips were blue, his face was gaunt, he had deep, black bags under his eyes and he definitely lost too much weight in the last months. He looked more dead than alive.

He went out of his bedroom into his kitchen and grabbed his phone from the counter. Spencer had hated that thing but he needed it for the BAU. Now, he's glad that he has it. He unlocked it and sighed. Eight calls from Morgan and four messages from Garcia. When he had asked the team for a break without them checking up on him every day after the things with Tobias, they were worried but understanding. Spencer knew that they still would check up on him, but he couldn't do anything about it.

Yesterday was the fifth time that Derek stood in front of his door. Spencer had let him in and had to assure him that everything's okay. Of course, Derek had not overlooked his condition, but Spencer could convince him that he just had eaten too little and was having a hard time. At least, he hoped that his best friend believed it. He was glad that Derek came over yesterday. Spencer was able to steal some money out of his wallet as Derek were on the toilet. It wasn't much, but he hoped that it was enough for another dose.

He ignored the calls and scrolled through his contact list til the name of his dealer showed up. With shaking hands, he pressed the call button and waited for his dealer to pick up.

_Please, pick up!_

He sighed relieved as the ringing stopped. "Hey.", he heard the raspy voice of his dealer. "Hey, we have to meet. Immediately.", Spencer whispered weakly. "Okay. Same place as always. See ya in ten.", the other guy answered short. "Bye."

He hung up and put his phone into his pocket. Spencer went to the door and grabbed his key and his wallet with the stolen money and put it both into his other pocket. He put his sunglasses on and pulled the hood over his head.

He tried to ignore the pain and went out of his apartment. He hated going outside, the people were always staring at him with this disgusted look on their faces. Spencer tried to ignore them and walked the street down. He went around the corner and entered the big park.

The park was full of happy people. Teenagers playing with a frisbee, people who were taking their dog for a walk, adults with their little children. Spencer would've smiled at the sight of happily playing children, but now, their loud screams and laughs made him aggressive.

He continued walking through the park as one of the small children ran smiling towards him. Spencer stopped abruptly and stared at it as a young woman grabbed the child by the arm and looked angry at Spencer. "Mommy, can I play with him? Pleease." "No, honey, we don't play with junkies. Come here, you shouldn't be in his near.", she explained before she pulled her child away from him.

Spencer rolled his eyes under his sunglasses and started walking again. He took a look around before he went behind a small play wooden cabin for children. He sighed relieved as he saw his dealer leaning against the wall.

"Hey man, I'm glad we could meet so fast.", he said, taking his sunglasses off. "Yeah, your luck that I didn't have another customer right now. Do you have the money?" Spencer grabbed into his pocket and pulled his wallet out. He took the money out and gave it to the guy. "Here." His dealer started to count the money.

Spencer scratched over his arm. He couldn't wait any longer. His wanting eyes went slowly down to the small bag around the waist of the other guy. "P- Please, just give me the stuff, I really need it.", he begged weakly. His dealer looked up. "I'm sorry, but that's not enough money, boy. Are you trying to trick me?", he asked, slightly suspicious. "Y- you said the standard is 40$.", he stuttered. "No, I said 75$!", the guy corrected louder. Spencer started to shake more. He didn't have time for this discussion, he needed his next shot. "Listen...I- I don't have more money- I-"

His dealer took a step closer to Spencer and studied him from his head to his toes. He stared into his pale face and saw his desperate eyes starting to water. "It's okay, boy. I see you really need it. But I'm warning you, that's the last time, you understand me?", he said threatening. "Yeah- yeah. Sure, I promise. T- thank you.", Spencer said weakly. Everything around him started to spin again. He leaned against the wall and pressed his palms against his eyes. "Hey boy, you okay?", his dealer asked worriedly. "Y- yeah, I'm fine. I just really need to shoot up." The guy grabbed into his bag and pulled two small cans out. "Here. Be careful when you go home, buddy." Spencer grabbed the cans with the Dilaudid and put it into his pocket. "Thanks, man.", he said and put his sunglasses back on.

Spencer turned around and started to run. He didn't care about the looks from the other people, he just wanted to get home. He bumped into other people, but he didn't even hear the insults they yelled at him. He completely forgot his pain, the only thing he could think about was his next shot.

Spencer dropped his keys two times as he wanted to unlock his door because his hands were shaking so much. As he finally unlocked it, he stormed into his apartment, threw his sunglasses and his key on the ground and ran into his bedroom. Normally, he would've locked his front door, but he was too distracted to think about it. Spencer opened his closet and threw everything through the room.

_Fuck, where was it?_

He sighed deeply as he found his bag behind his desk. He grabbed it and dig in it 'till he finally found what he had searched. Spencer held the package of the syringe and needles in his hands and smiled. He ran into his bathroom and slide with his back the wall down. His whole body was still trembling.

He rolled his sleeve up and put his belt over his upper arm. The syringe and one of the needles were despite his trembling hands fast out of the packages. He grabbed into his pocket and pulled the little sheet with rubbing alcohol out. He disinfected his inner elbow and prepared the syringe. Spencer grabbed one of the ampules out of his pockets. He stabbed the needle through the thin skin and pulled with shaking hands the liquid in the syringe. He smiled slightly as he held it up.

_Finally._

Spencer held the syringe between his teeth and tightened his belt around his arm. After a few slaps on his arm, his veins came up. He took the syringe out of his mouth and slowly pushed the needle into his arm. Spencer pulled the syringe back and filled it with a bit blood. He hit the vein. He loosened his belt and smiled slightly as he slowly pushed the clear liquid into his veins.

Spencer pulled the needle out of his arm and let the syringe roll out of his hand to the floor. He smiled weakly as the warm feeling started to move through his body. His body finally stopped shaking and his breath went normally. Spencer closed his eyes and finally started to calm down.

_When he opened them, he was back in the shack. The disgusting smell of burning fish was in the air again. He started to shake. It was cold. Spencer winced anxious as he heard footsteps coming closer from behind. "Tobias...", he whispered weakly as the bearded man stood in front of him. He stared with a neutral expression down at Spencer."Tobias, is it you?" The older man went a step towards him. Spencer wanted to protective raise his hands, but when he looked down, he realized that his hands and legs were tied to a chair. He started to panic as the man reached out his hand in Spencer's direction. Spencer closed his eyes and tried to prepare himself for the punch. He winced and opened his eyes confused as he felt the man softly stroking a curl of his hair out of his face._

_"Tobias...it's really you...", he whispered relieved, "I- I missed you..." Tobias smiled softly and stroked Spencer's tears away that were rolling down his face. "I missed you too, Spencer." He stopped smiling as his eyes fell down on Spencer's arm. He took his hand off his face and stroked slightly over the new puncture on his arm. Spencer winced and tried to pull away, but couldn't move because of the shackles. He looked guiltily up into Tobias disappointed and slightly angry face. "Why did you do it again?", he whispered shocked. "I- I... I'm sorry, I just wanted to see you again...", Spencer whispered sobbing. Tobias sighed deeply. "Spencer, you know that you shouldn't do this...if_ **_he_** _sees it-" "He won't see it. I'm careful. I promise.", whispered Spencer._

_Tobias let his hand slide down Spencer's arm and grabbed his hand softly. "Even if you're careful, you never know when he's gonna be back...please, I don't want that he hurts you again...", whispered Tobias anxiously. "How long has your father been gone?", asked Spencer, unconsciously tightening the grip around Tobias' hand. "It's been a while...he could come back every minute. That's why I said you shouldn't do it.", Tobias whispered. Spencer started to cry again. "I don't want to say Goodbye already...why can't you come with me, Tobias?", he asked sobbing. "Please, don't.", begged Tobias, tears rising in his eyes. "You know why I can't come with you..." "Please, you're the only one who understands me... I- I can't live without you! I need you!", begged Spencer him. "I- I lo-"_

_Tobias pushed Spencer's hand away and took a step back. He stared shocked at Spencer. "W- What's wrong?" "He's coming back...I can feel it...", Tobias whispered darkly. Spencer's eyes widened. "No...please don't leave me...not again...Tobias, please!" He looked shocked at Tobias' changing expression. His soft smile vanished and the only thing that was left in his beautiful eyes was boiling rage._

_"Charles...", whispered Spencer anxious._ _Charles took a few steps towards Spencer and looked angry down at him. "Are you ready to confess your sins, boy?", he asked with a smoky voice. "P- please don't. I don't have anything to confess...", begged Spencer sobbing. "You're a liar!", Charles growled angrily. "I am not a liar.", whined Spencer. "Lying is a sin, boy.", he growled deeper. "But I am not a liar." Charles' eyes widened as he saw the puncture on his arm._

_He stormed over to Spencer and grabbed it harsh to take a closer look. Charles snorted scoffingly and let his arm down. "You're weak. Just like my son. You're a sinner!", he growled deeply. "Tobias isn't weak! And I am not a sinner!", Spencer protested. "Homosexuality is a sin! You are not following God's orders! You're a sinner who has to be punished!" "I am not a sinner...", whined Spencer weak. "Do not have sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman; that is detestable. -Leviticus 18:22.", quoted Charles, his eyes angry sparkling. "In the Bible is also written: Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. - 1 Peter 4:8.", quoted Spencer back._

_"You dare to question the lord, boy?! You're a devil that has to be punished!", Charles said aggressively and punched Spencer in the face. Spencer whined at the burning pain. "Tobias! Tobias, help me!", he whined loudly. "He won't help you, he is weak! Confess!", Charles yelled angrily. Another punch landed on his face. "Tobias...", he sobbed crying. "Confess, Spencer Reid!" The only thing that came over Spencer's lips was a loud whimper. The older man walked slowly behind him._

_Spencer moaned surprised as Charles grabbed into his hair, pulling his head back. "You confess, or you're gonna feel God's anger, boy...", he whispered growling into his ear. Spencer breathed heavily. "I- I won't confess. I didn't do anything. I am not a sinner."_

_Charles boiled from anger. "LIAR!" He yelled angrily and threw the chair down on which Spencer was tied to. Spencer gasped heavily as he crashed on the ground. He started to choke and his body started to spasm. The mixture of adrenaline and the drug in his veins caused him to seizure. His muscles started to twitch, he had no control over his saliva flow. Spencer couldn't do anything. The warmth in his body immediately gave way for the cold that hit him like a punch. He started to shiver. Spencer gasped more and tried to cough up the saliva he was choking on to get air into his lungs. His head struck the cold stone floor several times before his body finally stopped twitching. Spencer's eyes rolled back into his head and his chest went for the last time slowly up and down before he finally stopped breathing. The bearded man who had watched him the whole time looked smiling down at him._

_"That's the devil vacating your body."_

Spencer slowly opened his eyes. He immediately closed them again as the bright light started to blind him.  After he blinked a few times, his eyes got used to it. Spencer started to slowly look around. He laid on a white bed in a big white room. He had no clue where he was. Anxiety started to rise in him. He winced heavily as he felt a hand touching his right arm. Spencer stared shocked at him 'till Morgan's words eventually came through to him. "Reid? Hey, you okay, pretty boy?", he asked worriedly. "M-Mor-" "Wait." Morgan jumped up and gave Spencer a glass of water. "Here, drink a little bit.", he said softly. Spencer took a few sips and gave the glass back to Morgan who put it on the small table next to him. "Where am I?", asked Spencer confused. "You're in a hospital. Everything's okay.", tried Morgan to calm him down.

Spencer said nothing. He tried to process all the new impressions and information."H- how did I get here?", he asked quietly. "You know, when I visited you yesterday, I had a weird feeling. You were so distanced, so quiet. Didn't wanted to talk as long as we did a few years ago. I started to worry. And when I was back home and saw that my money was gone directly after I was at your house, I figured something is wrong." Spencer looked guiltily down at his hands. "I went to your house the next day and wanted to confront you and check up on you. I knocked and ringed, but you didn't open. When I saw that you didn't lock the front door, I started to worry more, 'cause I know that you always lock it. And when I stormed into your bathroom and saw you laying there..." He swallowed a sob. "I immediately called the ambulance and started giving you CPR. They gave you Naloxone against the OD and brought you here.", Morgan explained slightly sobbing. "Spencer, please look at me." Spencer slowly raised his head and looked at him. Tears were running down his cheeks. "Spencer, you were dead. Do you even realize that? If I hadn't found you-" "But you have found me, Derek.", he said indifferently.

Derek jumped up and threw the glass from the table. Spencer flinched as the glass shattered against the wall. "YEAH, BECAUSE YOU FUCKING STOLE FROM ME! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, BOY?! YOU'RE DESTROYING YOUR LIFE! FOR WHAT? HUH?! TELL ME! FOR WHAT?!", he yelled angry crying. "For him...", Spencer whispered sobbing. "For him." "FOR WHO?! WHO IS THE PERSON THAT YOU'D RATHER DIE THAN LIVE FOR?!", asked Derek shaking. "Tobias...", whispered Spencer and looked away. He didn't dare to look him in the eyes. He was too ashamed. Derek was speechless. He stared with shocked eyes at Spencer. "T- Tobias? Tobias Hankel?" "Yeah...", Spencer whispered. "But he's the reason that you got addicted-" "I know, but he's also the only reason why I survived these three days. I know you can't understand this, but Tobias was a good person. Shooting up...it's just the only way to see him again after I-" Spencer closed his eyes. He didn't want to think about it again.

"Derek, I never wanted to kill him...I never wanted-", Spencer cried and buried his face in his hands. Derek went over to him and stroked over his shoulder. "I know...I know...but this is not a solution. Please, look at me, pretty boy.", he whispered softly. Spencer looked with red eyes up to him. "Listen. I grew up in a ghetto half my life. I saw enough people overdosing and dying on that shit. Close people. People I cared for, Spencer. And I ain't want you to be the next one." "But I don't know how to stop...I'm too weak, Derek, how do I stop?", he whispered weakly. "You don't have to do this alone. I will help you. The whole team will help you. You are not alone, boy. Don't you ever forget that.", Derek whispered, stroking softly over Spencer's hair. "Thank you. You're a good friend, Derek.", Spencer said quietly and smiled at him.

"I talked to the doctor earlier. He said they gonna observe you for an hour. If you get a 15 on the Glasgow Coma Scale, if your vital signs are normal and if you can mobilize as usual, they can discharge you safely. But just so you know, you're not just gonna go home and everything's fine. You're gonna come over to my place. I told you we're gonna do this together, but that means no more lies, no more excuses, and-" "...and no more Dilaudid, yeah I know.", whispered Spencer. "Good.", answered Derek. "You can start by deleting all of your Dealers out of your contact list. I'm gonna check up on you in an hour.", he said and went to the door.

"Derek...", said Spencer louder. Derek turned his head. "Yeah, boy?" "Can you- can you stay? Please? I don't want to be alone.", he whispered a bit embarrassed. Derek smiled slightly. "Of course, pretty boy." He turned around and sat back down next to Spencer. "That's going to be a hard time...", he sighed. "I know...I'm sorry...", Spencer whispered. "It's okay." They both stared at the ground, thinking about how they're going to deal with the situation.

Derek coughed slightly after a few minutes of silence. "You really miss him, huh?", he asked quietly. "There's not a single day where I'm not thinking about him...", Spencer answered whispering.

**Author's Note:**

> If I could be with you tonight  
> I would sing you to sleep  
> Never let them take the light behind your eyes  
> -The Light Behind Your Eyes, My Chemical Romance


End file.
